Workplaces today are facing a breakdown of civility — defined as a shared standard of politeness and respect for others. While incidents of incivility have declined slightly since a peak in late 2024, rudeness in the workplace and society remains alarmingly high, according to a recent survey by the Society of Human Resource Management.
The survey identifies political differences as the primary driver of workplace incivility, followed by disagreements on social issues, racial or ethnic tensions, and generational divides. Notably, employees in organizations enforcing return-to-office (RTO) mandates reported a 63% increase in uncivil behaviors, potentially fueled by the stress of the transition and adapting to in-person dynamics. Regardless of the cause, incivility disrupts workplace harmony, costing U.S. businesses an estimated $2 billion daily in lost productivity.
Establishing civility should be a priority for leaders, as it forms the foundation for an engaged and productive workforce. However, 71% of employees believe their supervisors could do more to prevent uncivil conduct. In light of these sobering statistics, we recently shared advice in Harvard Business Review on how to foster workplace civility and prevent rude behaviors from escalating.
Civility isn’t always easy
Most people strive to get along with their coworkers, but in the heat of the moment, tensions can boil over. Maybe it’s a snarky comment a colleague makes about a politician you support, or a joke you don’t think is funny. Perhaps a coworker’s feedback on your work seems overly critical, and you get defensive. In these situations, we can react rudely in a moment of frustration, perpetuating the cycle of incivility.
Like a virus, incivility is contagious, affecting everyone’s ability to stay engaged and productive. Even witnessing an act of incivility toward another person can impair our cognitive function. But the good news is that civility is even more contagious than incivility, according to research presented at the 2024 NeuroLeadership Summit. And while we can’t control our coworkers’ actions, we can control how we respond.
3 habits of civility
The science of emotional regulation forms the foundation for three habits that can help break the incivility spiral. Let’s look at how you could handle a tricky situation using the behaviors of civility.
You’re in a meeting, and a coworker, Sam, makes a joke about a political candidate you voted for. Some coworkers voice their agreement, while others stay silent. You feel attacked, and a sharp, personal retort directed at Sam is at the tip of your tongue. But before firing it off, you pause to consider three steps:
1. Notice your automatic response. Taking a moment to pause allows you to identify your anger as a form of threat response. When the brain senses a threat, it shifts resources from regions responsible for executive control, like the prefrontal cortex, to threat-response networks, such as the limbic system. Recognizing this response can help you regain control and prevent impulsive actions, knowing your ability to concentrate, make decisions, and collaborate may be temporarily impaired.
2. Inhibit your automatic response. To avoid reacting impulsively, it’s essential to pinpoint the root cause of your threat response. Labeling the emotion reactivates your prefrontal cortex, enabling you to think clearly and take measured actions.
The NeuroLeadership Institute’s SCARF® Model offers a useful framework for identifying and understanding different triggers. SCARF stands for Status (your perceived rank or importance), Certainty (your ability to anticipate what’s coming), Autonomy (your sense of control over situations), Relatedness (your feeling of belonging and connection), and Fairness (your perception of equity in interactions). Recognizing which of these elements is being affected can help you regain composure and respond thoughtfully.
Let’s see how Sam’s inappropriate joke could have triggered one or more SCARF domains:
- Status: When someone attacks a political candidate you support, it can feel like a personal attack on your judgment, values, and intelligence.
- Certainty: Sam’s joke leaves you wondering what to expect from future meetings – will they become political free-for-alls?
- Autonomy: You feel a reduced sense of control over your environment. You didn’t choose to have your beliefs insulted.
- Relatedness: You no longer feel connected to Sam, and you want to avoid him in the future. You also feel like part of the out-group, since other coworkers agreed with Sam.
- Fairness: It feels unfair that Sam can freely voice his political opinions, and you’re expected to stay silent.
When all five SCARF domains are threatened, it’s no surprise you almost snapped. However, by identifying what’s driving your emotions, you can put the brakes on your response and prevent an uncivil reaction.
3. Communicate cleanly. After re-engaging your prefrontal cortex, take a few moments to plan how to communicate effectively with Sam and your colleagues. Aim for a neutral tone — there’s no need to be excessively friendly, but it’s important to avoid triggering a sense of threat in others with a negative tone or demeanor.
Ensure your communication is concise and focused, covering only the essential points. This helps eliminate ambiguity and prevents others from searching for unintended meanings in your words. Clarity in your message minimizes the need for interpretation and ensures your intent is well understood.
With that in mind, you remind yourself that you and Sam are working toward shared team goals, despite your differing political beliefs, and you’ve gotten along well in the past. You respond calmly, “Let’s steer clear of politics. Can we focus on the shareholder meeting next week? I want to make sure we’re prepared.” This approach avoids criticism while refocusing the team on a productive and relevant topic.
On the road to respect
While civility and respect are often used interchangeably, they represent distinct ideas. Civility focuses on politeness and basic consideration, whereas respect goes a step further, emphasizing appreciation for individuals and their contributions. While fostering a respectful environment should be the ultimate goal, civility serves as a critical foundation — one that society, and many workplaces, are currently grappling with. Civility doesn’t require liking everyone you work with, but it does create the conditions necessary for clear thinking and productivity.
Respect, on the other hand, demands greater intention and effort. It involves cultivating specific cognitive practices such as embracing a growth mindset, mitigating biases, and promoting inclusion. By embodying the principles of civility and managing our emotions and responses, we can set the stage for greater respect in the workplace and beyond.
A version of this article appeared in Harvard Business Review. Read the full article here.To learn more about the science of togetherness and division, watch this recent Your Brain at Work Live webinar.
